It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize