just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
