Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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