I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
