Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
