watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
You took a bar mat shot.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
