never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
