I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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