I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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