I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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