the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
