the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
