I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
