Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize