i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
