Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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