Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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