Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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