Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
