i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize