I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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