Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Randomize
