Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
