I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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