i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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