pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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