the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
