I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
