Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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