forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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