she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
