god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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