Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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