dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
