You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
