I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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