went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
you traded sex for a burrito?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
