So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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