There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
