A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
