Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
