does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
