eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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