I cut my penus on the lid.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
