shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
