Just fell off a train. Bad.
just come out here and I will go home with you...
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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