A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
