Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
