i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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