Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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