I'm pants shitting drunk right now
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
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