Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
