Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
