I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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