he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
