You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
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