hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
