I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
my being single is dangerous.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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