My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
