I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
