you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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