if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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