This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
