Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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