I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
