i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize