I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
