he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I am midnight drunk by noon
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
