Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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