I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
