Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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