Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
