I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
