he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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