I just made out with a guy for $7.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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