I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
